Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
