Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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