I cut my penus on the lid.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
