I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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