Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
