I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
