my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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