she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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