I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
