Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
