I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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