I'm jealous of your bromance
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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