dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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