I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
