Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize