i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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