So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
