I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
