I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
