He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Randomize
