I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
