dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
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just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
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I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.