He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
home. puking in laundry basket.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
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whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
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It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green