i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
