If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
