Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
