The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
