Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
