I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
