Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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