We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
