she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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