do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's official drugs can't kill me
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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