My nipple is on Facebook.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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