I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
