Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
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he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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