I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
