Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
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im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
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I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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