You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
