Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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