she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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