actually, I'm a sock model
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Randomize
