just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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