I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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