You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
