just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
