I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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