I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
