Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?