Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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