Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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