remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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