I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
