Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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