I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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