wakey wakey hands off snakey
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
